Death... I know all the arguments that come with death. I've become intimate with all the ideologies surrounding it from practically every religion there is out there. But I find it hard to live with, even now. Especially now.

I lost my Grandpa Witfoth at six. then I lost my Aunt Judy, my friend who was only sixteen, my Great-Grandpa Wolf, My Grandma Witftoh and my Grandpa wolf between the ages of eighteen and twenty. Death is no stranger.

September 19 my daughter, Bethany, passed one before being able to draw her first breath. I was still in labour. And all I can think of now is how it is just cold comfort to think of those ideologies. It might be hard for me because of how much I live and depend on emotions, on life. I've always been able to pick up on emotions other's are not able to, though when I am personally involved it can become clouded.

Does that factor in? I just, I find it hard and dull to go on. I feel lost, like I've been set adrift with no direction to go in. I have tried to set myself on a course, but I am still unable to shake these feelings.

I just do not know what to do anymore. 

Do you need darkness in order for there to be light?

Now, before I go into deeply explaining my thoughts and opinions in answer to this question, please allow me to put a small disclaimer here. I know not everyone is going to agree with my thoughts and feelings, and that opinions vary depending upon the person. I know and understand this and I mean no offense. With that said, I can only hope no one will feel the need to attack my opinions.

For a very, VERY simplified answer… yes. Yes, you need darkness in order for there to be light. It is common sense in my mind. How can there be light without dark? Day without Night? Good without Evil? Order without Chaos?

There are people who persevere toward there being no evil in the world, and I applaud them for that, for trying to achieve it. But I’m a logical thinker and I love to do my own personal study of human nature. I can tell you now that I can not for see that happening. It is how we where created. From the get-go we have fought with each other and with nature. We have thought some of us strong and some of us weak. And then the strong has taken advantage of the weak. It is the cycle of the world.

So with that train of thought we go toward good and evil. Everyone has the capability of becoming either of those. Here, I will give you a scenario.

Growing up a young girl is raped, molested and abused (mentally and physically) by the person suppose to be her father. Nothing is ever done about it and she grows into maturity fostering a hate toward that man. Now, this scenario can go two ways. (actually, it could go a lot of ways, but I will pick two ways it could go)

1)      The girl could finally find within herself to report him, standing with conviction and watching on in the court room as the man she hated and feared was finally given his due. Then walk out into the world ready to begin anew, which she knows will be difficult. She starts out on her own, but eventually she gets help along the way and recovers. As she is older she gets married, has children and becomes an advocate against physical, sexual and mental abuse, helping many other girls going through the same thing she did.

2)      She lives with it, fearing what he would do to her if she did, and waiting. Soon she is of age and decides, (at 17) to leave school and run away from her home. In some city she tries to start over, but she continually finds herself in relationships where the guy abuses her. Soon she has enough and decides, completely hate filled and angry, to turn the tables on the men who harmed her. And so, as she gain’s other relationships she turns on them. Instead of being the abused, she becomes the abuser. It is her form of revenge. It makes her feel good, and she does not realize the fact that she has become what she had hated and feared so long ago.

Get where I am going?

No? Well, I guess I can do it from another perspective. I am a witch after all, so I will explain it in magical terms.

Balance. There is a balance to the world and to magic. You would not have protective magic without there being a hex or a curse or malevolent thoughts to need protection from. You would not need healers without there being diseases and injuries needing healed. The significance of seers would be greatly diminished if all they could see is the birth of a child, or a wedding about to take place. They would no longer be of great use in telling when a disaster is about to occur. Where a poor child’s dead body lay so that their parents can have some solace in burying it. Finding a missing child. Letting a woman know that the mate she chooses will come with a lot of problems down the road.

Get where I’m going yet? Oh wait, you want to know how diseases, injuries, and problems in a marriage/relationship are bad? You ask a person about a disease or a kind of injury and you will get a negative response. Problems in a marriage or relationship… No one ever wants that.

Why are they necessary? How would your immune system become stronger? How would your bones become stronger? How would you know that if the good things outweigh the bad things in a relationship without having bad things come into your path to test you?

Now, if we focus even more on magic/witchcraft, and narrow it down a bit more… Right Handed Path (RHP) and Left Handed Path (LHP). How can there be a RHP without there being a LHP? Without a LHP how would you know that you stand on the RHP?

Whether you like it or not, there will always be a LHP. And way back when, a network of covens would be RHP mostly. But unspoken, they would be allied with a LHP coven. Why? Do you think that when another coven is attacking you that a RHP witch is going to do more than cast protection after protection? No. They would go to the LHP coven and ask for aid. And in return, probably, the RHP would probably perform the healings or other work that the LHP coven had no access to on their own.

This brings me to another little statement. Whether you like it or not, Witch Wars happened. Just because you are a part of a Family Tradition (Fam Trad) that goes back for generations upon generations and have been told that no such thing ever happened, it does not mean that it didn’t. Some coven’s probably kept such things out of their records, for whatever reason. If you have been a coven, Fam Trad or Solitary for long enough, you are going to find someone who does not like you and guess what, if they do not like you enough, they are probably going to try something.

Now, am I condoning evil and Witch Wars? No, I’m not. I am a strictly RHP witch. I suck at healing, but protections and my tarot cards do good by me. I have never felt the urge to curse a person and I will never do so. But it does not mean that I do not recognize it and understand the necessity. It is in human nature to fight (hence the Witch Wars), to argue and so on. It is what make’s us who we are as a species.

There it is, folks.

Epona 

For a while now, I've been getting on Bryan to clean up his desktop, as he has a lot of junk on it he does not need. But mainly for one reason. A picture he had on it titled Kelley. She was a girl he had worked with and almost had sex with (before me!). She is a druggie, alcoholic, unreliable... -stops self from continuing- So yeah, she called once after we started seeing eachother and I was there, she heard me and got hissy and hung up after asking, "Is there a girl there?" and him saying, "Yes." You see, she was in town and wanted to see him. Probably for the sex they almost had but didn't. But yeah, haven't heard from her since. (Yay!)

So, he had this picture of her on his desktop, and I have been a good girl. I have not mentioned how it bothered me, I have not asked him to delete it, and I have not deleted it myself. I just got home and what do i see? It's gone. I even searched for it. (I know, bad me, but I just had to see if it was really gone.)

Little things like that make me happy. He does not know that he is doing it most of the time, but it still does. It makes happier sometimes than the stuff he plans does. Why? Because he did it all on his own without me hinting at it, guilting him into it or just plan asking him to do it. This is a happy witch.

So, those of you who read this. Do you need the dark in order for there to be light?

My Answer will be posted on my next blog post. 

My body is just so not adjusting well to having a little one growing in me. I feel constantly drained and cannot seem to get enough sleep, which leaves me here sitting i front of the computer, somewhat awake while Bryan sleeps on. Lucky bum.

Anyways, so I have this friend, Hallee. I met her when I moved to Tennessee and moved in with her, her fiance and two other people she introduced me to before. Everything was good at first. Then Hallee showed true colors and I am beginning to loose all respect for her. She is trying to change Matt, her Fiance. And she is doing it by bitching and whining and threatening to end her life. She even beats on him. And... it does not sit well on me. She is also lying about our two other friends, and told me that they are getting inbetween her and Matt, and since they where she would take any chance she could to break them up. Tiffy and Chris, our other friends, have not been trying to get in between them. They have been trying to stay friends with both and help where they can, like me. But now, the fighting and bitching and complaining has run me out of th place I pay rent in order to live in.

Which is why I am at Bryan's. I've been home once in three weeks.

Her sister bitched her out for doing what she is doing, and yet she has not made an effort to change. She's suppose to be taking anti-depressants, and it does not change.  She tries to stop him from seeing his friends because she wants to spend every second of every day with him. And she hates his friends, she tries pitting his friends against each other. She rarely goes out and sits in her home and bitches, whether it is to me, or to her cats.

She is still my friend, but I have a bad feeling that she is going to force me to choose sides soon, and right now... it will not be her side I choose, and I hate that. It makes me miss my coven so much. I know those people, they are a part of my family and this never would have happened with them. Right now, only Bryan and my new job are keeping me here. But as soon as I can, I am going to try my damndest to convince Bryan to move to Ohio and transfer there so I can be closer to everyone. Yes, it will be in Wheeling, but still. Hell, maybe even in Michigan. I do not care. Somewhere close to my family, all of them. I love Tennessee and all, but it does not have what my soul and heart needs.

My only regret will be leaving Tiffy and Chris behind. 

So, Bryan, my boyfriend, is the most awesome guy in the world and I love him dearly. He works at a video store, and so sometimes when I am bored, or when he works and I do not that day, I will go and sit with him while he works. And of course, I get to see what movies are coming out when. Well, Freedom Writers came out and I told him that I wanted to see it, but neither of us got around to getting it. And then I started working at Comcast, training and all which is from 8am till 5pm. And Bryan, he mainly works 4pm till 12am. I'm in bed around 8/9pm usually, which is before he gets home, and I'm to work before he gets up. We have hardly been able to see each other this week, which is sad. I love being around him. Well, I woke up this morning and did my routine, and I was sitting at his computer, using the chair to put on my shoes. Well, I saw he brought home some movies and so I riffled through them and sitting there was Freedom Writers, just for me. I blame me being the Overly emotional Pregnant Woman, but it just about brings tears to my eyes. It's the little things like that he does, it just keeps on showing me that yes, this great man really does love me. I never have to worry that he does not, he never let's the little things stop so that I begin toquestion, they just keep on coming.

So yeah, I got to watch Freedom Writers, and I have to say, it is a good movie. It was so moving because I know there are people out there like that. People who witness death and abuse, drugs, whose family does not expect them to ever amount to much. Hell, EVERYONE experience's one of those things. My parents never thought I would amount to much, and they probably still do not. The only thing I can think of right now that they are proud of me about is that I am 21 and having my first child. My mom was 17, my Aunt Kathy was 14. The majority of my aunts where under the age of 18, and here I am 21. That is a feat in and upon itself in my big German family. So yes, this movie was well done, and I highly suggest it to anyone and everyone. There need to be more teachers in the world like Ms. G, who care. I respect teachers like that, but I know I will never be able to be one of them. It is not in my destiny to do that. I'm meant for another purpose. To try and be the mom who does not allow her kids to grow up experiencing a very harsh reality in abuse and such. I will be the best I can be in being a mom, and that will be my job, and I accept that.

But now it is storming outside, and if Bryan is right, it will be a doozy. LOL. I kinda wish Mike an dhis daughter where here. I'm sure they would have fun capturing it on film, being the storm cashers they are.

Ok, so I am done rambling for now. 

Brightest Blessings.
Epona